So as I finally rescind my offer to be the Healer, I take back my promiscuity, my casual sex, I decline my fun-fucking self. I will not stop being me, but I will THINK before I let somebody roll me over with their needs and wants before my own.
My body will finally become my temple and those who want entry must fucking fight for it, they must truly earn it and if they feel I make them jump through too many damn hoops I will invite them into my past and ask them again if they feel I am being unreasonable.
I have been the carpet on the floor, and while I don’t take nonsense from perfectly good strangers, why have I allowed myself to take it from my friends and from guys who don’t even deserve to know my name!?
Yes, I am angry. I am furious with what I’ve done, just today I was thinking of who I would remove and why and I couldn’t believe the amount of names on my list that I wished to delete from my body and mind. But they stand there and I am reminded daily that I made those mistakes, but never again.
What I will not stand for anymore is letting anybody brush my face in it. If I take somebody into my confidence it is because I feel they should know the whole truth about me.
I will not stand for jokes made at my expense, I will not stand for people bringing it up in inappropriate times or to people I do not fully know. I will be strong and I will be true in my convictions. If they feel it is okay to bring out my mistakes I will bring out theirs. I will do unto others as they do unto me. No more sweetheart girl watching everyone’s toes but her own and forgiving those who are not worthy to be forgiven.
I have never been a cheater, and never will be, yeah I have a fucked up code of morals, but I stand by them whole-heartedly and know that I will stand by my friends as they try to fix theirs. I am not a bad person; in fact, I have been too good of a person to everyone, most of the time when they didn’t deserve it. Watch me show them what’s real and who I truly am. And let them cower in fear over me proving to them that I am a good person, but that now they will never see her again.
Now I can finally allow myself the joys I long since denied myself, friends who are there not just for their own selfish purposes but to be with me and have me as their friend as much as they wish to be in my life and help me through life’s difficulties.
What’s the point in surrounding yourself with people if they’re only for shallow reasons? I cleaned out my closet and I’m satisfied with the people I keep close to me. For different reasons, they all help me become a better person each and every day, and I, in turn, guide them through equally sticky situations.